One early morning about a year ago, my then-5-year-old daughter woke up an hour before normal and interrupted my writing time. I try to wake up between 5-5:30 every day to get a little writing time in, but that morning she must have sensed how much I wanted my quiet, focused solitude. Because she decided to obliterate it.
And I, trying really hard to fiercely protect my creative time, told her she could stay in my office with me but that I wasn’t going to talk to her until her normal wake-up time.
If you’ve ever been around young kids, you might be able to guess how well that worked out.
“I wish you weren’t a writer,” she wailed.
Dagger, meet heart. Cue the guilt, right?
I can’t remember now what I did in that moment, whether I stopped writing, or tried to hold steady with my boundary, but I will always remember how it felt to hear her say that.
As you’ve probably discovered by now, there will always be people in your life who don’t get why you write. Or who think you could (should?) be doing something better with your time. Sometimes it’s our kids, sometimes it’s our partner, or friends, or parents. All they usually see is us staring at a screen, or scribbling in a notebook. Until, if we’re lucky or brave or both, they might see the finished product of all that mad scribbling. All that screen-staring.
So what happens when we get these kinds of comments from people close to us—people whose opinions really matter to us? What happens when they accuse us of spending too much time on something that “doesn’t really matter,” at least not in the same way as chores, or a job that pays, or care taking?
How do we prevent ourselves from losing steam, from giving up because our pillars of support are crumbling?
Before I dig into my answers to these questions, I have a story for you. Do you believe in synchronicity? I certainly do.
A week or two ago I was picking my daughter up from school and due to unforeseen circumstances (traffic, timing, etc.), I was forced to do something out of my normal routine. I parked in a different place and direction than usual. A few weeks prior to that, I’d noticed a little free library on the street, but I was always in a rush, or heading in a different direction and so I was never able to stop. This time, however, I got that little niggling voice telling me to stop and look inside. There on the shelf was Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, the 25th Anniversary Edition. In great condition. I snagged up that book and it has been staring at me, begging to be opened and read ever since.
I decided to thumb through it for the sake of, you know, personal growth, and there were so many tidbits that spoke directly to me. It was the exact book I needed at the exact time.
But anyway, this excerpt jumped out at me as I was pondering this question:
“As an artist I must be very careful to surround myself with people who nurture my artist—not people who try to overly domesticate it for my own good. Certain friendships will kickstart my artistic imagination and others will deaden it.” (p. 180)
We know that as writers we face a ridiculous number of creative blocks, but it’s true that even the people closest to us can serve as those creative blocks. The first step, I think, is recognizing it.
Recognize that some people aren’t as good at understanding art, writing, and creativity as others, and remember that it’s up to you to push through the discomfort and keep writing.
Just because someone struggles with how you spend your time, doesn’t mean they are right and you are wrong. In the moments of frustration, turn inward, reminding yourself of why you do this work.
For me, creating is part of my life’s purpose. And if I am not plugged into creativity, I get crabby and everyone suffers. It’s the whole put-the-oxygen-mask-on-yourself-before-helping-others thing. I cannot pour from an empty cup. Creating fills me up and makes me better—a better mom, a better partner, a better friend.
If this resonates, consider this the permission you need to keep writing when this form of resistance comes to call…when you have the naysayers—the negative Nancys and the judgmental Johns and the energy vampires—making you doubt how you’re spending your time. Within reason—obviously we must not completely neglect those who need us, and we must do the things that keep life chugging onward—remind yourself that you’re actually spending your time wisely if it matters to you.
I also want to share some wise words from Steven Pressfield with you. I’ve shared a few of his words before, from his book The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles, but this excerpt may help you think differently.
“Are you a born writer? Were you put on earth to be a painter, a scientist, an apostole of peace? In the end the question can only be answered by action.
Do it or don’t do it.
It may help to think of it this way. If you were meant to cure cancer or write a symphony or crack cold fusion and you don’t do it, you not only hurt yourself, even destroy yourself. You hurt your children. You hurt me. You hurt the planet.
You shame the angels who watch over you and you spite the Almighty, who created you and only you with your unique gifts, for the sole purpose of nudging the human race one millimeter farther along its path back to God.
Creative work is not a selfish act or a bid for attention on the part of the actor. It’s a gift to the world and every being in it. Don’t cheat us of your contribution. Give us what you’ve got.” (p. 165)
Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, I think there’s something to reframing your writing as something elemental to the world. That it’s your job to call it forth and make it manifest so the world can benefit.
Remember why you are writing. Remember what writing means to you.
If recognizing your naysayer as a form of resistance, then focusing on your “why” don’t work for you, think of it like this:
You are on your own writer’s journey. Or hero’s journey, if you will. You are being called to write and, just like any great story, there will be obstacles standing in your way. It wouldn’t be a story, and you wouldn’t grow or change or learn anything about becoming the best version of yourself, if there weren’t threshold guardians blocking your way.
Believe it or not, you can still be kind, having loving relationships, and set boundaries. That’s how we grow and start to shed our snakeskin of self-doubt, and fear in order to actually get the work done.
We have enough voices already inside of us telling us we can’t do it…why allow others to add to that cacophony?
The last thing I want you to do is this: create your universe of support.
Often, the people closest to us are, quite simply, not the best ones to support us on this journey. They aren’t writers or artists, or they just aren’t equipped with the types of tools we need to progress on our journeys.
So seek out a writing group. Seek out a book coach or mentor who can offer feedback, who can cheer you on and help you avoid the common pitfalls of writing. Find the people who feed your creative spirit…who get what living this life means. Connect with people online or go to meetup groups. Commiserate, laugh, grow with them instead.
Just get what you need outside of your home or your immediate circle.
Find your universe of support and write the dang book.
Want More?
Small Group Revision Confidence Workshop
Only three spots left!
In the spirit of creating your universe of support...join us! Here's how it will work: A small group of up to six writers will meet weekly for about 12 weeks--and work through a manuscript revision. I'll meet with everyone for about an hour and, for half of it, teach a revision concept (such as character, desire, stakes, genre conventions, interiority, story structure, voice/narrative distance, setting, as well as the actual logistics of revision--what to tackle first and how, redrafting vs. editing the written page etc.) and the other half of the meeting will be coaching/help with specific questions about your particular story.
Then there will be homework as you put into practice some of the concepts taught. So the focus will primarily be about helping you learn how to properly assess and fix issues in your manuscript, as well as keeping you accountable...forcing you to sit down and do the work week-by-week. In fact, I plan to go through the process along with the group as I revise my own WIP.
Tentative Schedule 6/25-9/22, Tuesdays 9-10am PT
Cost: $170 per month for 3 months, with an option to upgrade to receive direct feedback.
Click the link below to get all the details and reserve your spot.
Karyn
When your loved ones don't *get* why you write